Nothing but Savages out here.

So, I've been away from the blog for quite a while. So what? What were you doing that you had time to check up on whether I was posting here or not? I have updates though. So, if you're interested, keep reading. If not, jump down to the part where I go "Fuck off, mongrel." Here we go:








Days without orgasm: 48
Days since this whole thing began: 180
Days I'm going to go without an orgasm again on purpose: FUCKING ZERO

Ok, that was the update.

Um...your underwear is showing, never mind.

Now on to new business. This blog is going to be repurposed, recycled, re-invigorated and all around re-animated. Instead of updates on a ridiculous goal that is only appropriate for 12 year olds who crank it so much they get chafing, I'm just going to pour my personal brand of insanity into these posts. You know lots of boobs, asses, Rule 34, exotic food, boobs, camel toes, crazy shit I do, boobs, iPhone apps, and finally boobs (no uncle pedo, I will be accepting your photo collection for posting).

Anyway, that's the whole update.

It's the summer and that, of course, means Michael Bay is sitting in the corner of an enormous room in one of his huge houses jerking off to the CGI explosions that will someday pay for another huge house somewhere insane. Also, summer movies. I saw the Green Lantern. Here's my review: I saw it. It's nothing that it doesn't claim to be. There's a guy who wears a ring, it's green. He has a lantern, it's green. There's a training scene, a fight scene, and a denouement. 'Nuff said. 

In honor of recent events, I'll leave you with some pictures I found of Casey Anthony looking like a slut.

(note: I found so many pictures of her at parties that it's hard to believe she ever had time to work at Universal Studios at all)

Camel Toe-riffic!

Well, that was a good break. And by break I mean fuck off.

This post is going to be about, wait for it, wait...Camel Toes. I took the liberty, with myself, to re-interpret my first post about vagina canyon and translate it into what I like to call: Jive. Here it is.

Obstacle 1, dig dis: Camel toes. Until recently ah' dought honky chicks who let deir cotton/lycra/satin/yoga pants whuteva' ride down into deir playscape only 'esisted in significant abunboogie on de interweb on po'n sites likes Mr. Ah be baaad... Chew's Asian Beaver, Mr. Ah be baaad... Camel Toe, and mah' favo'ite - ah' Spy Camel Toe, wid an occasional special appearance uh de vaginus dromidarius on sites likes Bre'd Raps and da damn Brazzers Netwo'k. Ya' know? Since about day 15, ah' have noticed mo'e clod tunnels in dudette pubic areas dan ah' eva' dought possible. Any oda' time in mah' life ah' would plum be pullin' out mah' iRap rod (de camera rap rod of choice fo' invadin' innocent goats' privacy while in public) and snappin' off some couple photos fo' later. Ah be baaad... Not dis time, dough. Lop some boogie. And dat be why I'm givin' Camel Toes mah' Poo Flin' uh de week. Ya' know? Fuck ya' Camel Toes, ah' hate dat ah' love ya'.

I still do hate dat ah' love 'em. But love them I do.

So let's talk clit squishing cloth valleys cut deep into the vag-tastic crotches of girls, in other words, Camel Toes. After the jump is a collection of some great examples. 

Danny Hammer signing out.

Fuck you, J.M Barrie

Google Search Term: JM Barrie Vagina (tee fucking hee)

I took a few days off from posting. All I can say is, if you got an email from me that was entirely composed of jibberish, then you got a personal message from my penis. He's an awful writer, but he loves the way the keyboard feels while he wacks himself against the keys. In other words, you got a C-mail. Lucky you.

This post is a celebration of all the shit I hate about Peter Pan. Fuck Peter Pan in his smooth, child-like ass until a crocodile flies out, yes, fuck him.

1. J.M. Barry never reached puberty. When J.M. Barrie, the author of Peter Pan's adventures in mongoloid town, was a child he was such a fucking annoying little douche fag that his mother hated him and really only loved his brother. Then, his brother died. His mom, faced with dealing with J.M.'s fucking whiny bullshit, became ill herself. On her deathbed, she told him her only remaining asshole of a son, that at least she never had to see him grow up, at least he would always be her little boy. So this twat stops developing. His balls never dropped, he never grew hair in the pubic area, and he certainly never banged Kate Winslett (shut up, uncle pedo. You know I don't have pictures). Fuck this over-emotional, cock retarded fag.

2. Peter Pan was a fag. Yup. Gay. Flitting around, hanging out with fairies who sprinkle sparkles all over him while he bemoans the loss of his shadow, gay, gay, gay. This whole thing reads like a metaphor for went to club, got smoked on PCP, lost his African man whore when a shinier cock presented itself in the men's toilet. Boo fucking hoo, fag.




3. Tinkerbell was the hottest girl in Neverland and she was the same size as a tiny cock. Tink is always depicted as a hot piece of ass with wings. Great. What the fuck good is she if the best she could offer is a good hug for my cock. Plus, your mom.Also, sideboob is fantastic..

I promise at least 7 more reasons to hate J.M. Barrie coming soon.

In the mean time, here is a great picture of (guess what) tits.






Danny Hammer signing off.

Monday Un-obstacles

It's day 65 and fuck shit ass cunt. 

You believe this nutjob got a book deal?

Anyway, it was a wonderful weekend of banging my cock in the toilet seat and riding my bicycle, at separate times of course (you silly fucks). A friend of mine told me years ago that Henry Rollins talked about slamming his cock in a toilet seat on one of his spoken word albums. The story went something like he was in a hotel room and he had a bunch of free time so he decided to try doing this thing his friend told him that he was into, cock slamming in the toilet seat. Rollins went on to say that as he was cock slamming, it never felt good but there was a moment when it stopped feeling bad. I figure I won't get to the point where not ejaculating ever feels good but it might not suck so much, you know? Like I'll transcend the need for orgasm completely. Like I'll see the face of god in a dream. Then I started slamming my cock in the toilet seat and I realized that celibacy is the dumbest fucking thing anyone could ever do. This us easily the stupidest personal experiment I've ever conducted, and I've done some stupid experiments on myself. So, as I was cock slamming, I never reached the point that Henry Rollins got to. I don't know how long hew was slamming his cock in the toilet seat but I did it for about an hour. All I got was a sore dick and my downstairs neighbor complained about the noise. Fuck Henry Rollins. Fuck cock slamming. Fuck toilet seats. And most of all, fuck celibacy.

I haven't done an unobstacle post in quite some time so I figured since uncle pedo won't shut the fuck up about all the asses in the last post, I'd do a post that would keep his fucking mouth shut.

A curse on both your nipples.

She has been blessed.

Monday Un-obstacle #1: Chicks with Shrinking Boobs. 

I think if you've read this blog at all in the past you'd have to be at least mildly retarded to not pick up on the fact that its author, Mr. Hammer, loves himself a good pair of snuggle pups that are big enough to make me hurt my back lifting them. It should be absolutely no surprise that when a girl's sweater kittens start to shrink, I have no use for her. If I wanted to spend time with cast away from the boob squad who has to switch teams and take notes at the meetings of the Itty-Bitty-Titty-Committee I would have continued dating high school girls (stop agreeing with me uncle pedo, I said girls). Anyway you look at it, shrinking tits are awful, especially since a girl's self-worth should be directly in proportion to her bra size, and I don't mean the numbers. Plus, and I don't know if they're still teaching this in the schools but little tits are a sign of witchcraft, not that the tiny tit owner is a witch but rather that she is cursed in so many ways. Generally, I recommend to my friends with chesticle impairment that they adopt a morally casual attitude about blowing guys to make up for their obvious biological handicap. Shrinking tits, however, are straight up the work of the devil and deserve a good shunning, or a nicely executed Grunting Porkchop. 

Monday Un-obstacle #2: Animals with Erections.

Trust me, there's an erection in there.

I apologize, Penis Whale and Erection Bat, but looking at turgid animal cocks makes my penis pull its turtle shell over its head. I hate looking at animals with erections. After the jump is a collection of animal pictures that I fucking hate. If there's anything that would stop me from blowing a big, rubbery, penis loogie all over the spankerchief I keep next to my desk, it's pictures of animal erections. One time, at a buddy's bachelor party I had a chance to bang the stripper. Over in the corner the best man had started a farm animal fuck film, you know beastiality. While I was working on convincing Bambi or Candy or Destiny or whatever the fuck she was calling herself into blowing me I caught a glimpse of a moderately attractive female farmhand taking it in the shitter from a stallion (and by stallion I mean horse). My erection disappeared quicker than Gary Busey at a random drug test. And I love strippers. Enjoy the gallery of erection killers.

FTW. Here's beautiful picture of the Snorg Tees model, Ashley Pridgen. She has great tits, and now she has some sweet stripper tats to go with them. 

Danny Hammer signing out.

A Real Class Act or a Real Ass Hat, One of Those...

Day 63. <penis coughs>

It has been brought to my attention that this blog is top heavy. And by top heavy I mean boob-tastic. Tits are amazing. I love everything about them. I love tiny little perky super sensitive nipples. I love big, silver dollar pancake nipples. I like little perky breasts. I like big swinging milk jugs. I like it when they're is too much to hold in one hand. I like when you can hide small woodland creatures under them without the slightest hint to an onlooker. I like when the cans are big enough to wear as a hat. I like for them to be big enough so that if it rains I can stand comfortably under them and not get wet (from the rain). I like them big enough to clog a toilet. I guess I really love big fucking chesticles. So it shouldn't be surprising that there's tits'a'plenty in this blog.

Big enough to do this is nice.

The reason I bring this up is to say that I love a beautiful ass, too. It may (or may not) surprise you that this post will be ASS-tastic!

Day #63: Ass-tastic Example #1: Catherine Zeta Jones in the movie Etrapment. 

As soon as this beautiful, Welsh piece of ass appeared on screen in that douche chill inducing movie, The Crotch of Zorro (or whatever the fuck it was), I knew this chick was going to be one to watch (mostly to keep track of when she started doing nudity on screen). As soon as I saw her, I was in love (penis-wise). I was certain that she would have a fantastic career of flashing her tits and jiggling her wonderful turd cutter all around the movie screen. Then, she married Michael Douglas. I cannot even force myself to think about her naked anymore without a mental image of that fucking ancient reptilian, loose-skinned, elderly man draping his scaly, wrinkled, old skin on her as he reciprocates his penis in and out of her beautiful, tight vagina. It's a scene from the tv show "V," accept the lizard isn't a hot alien, but rather is a disgusting old formerly relevant actor. Eeeeww.

Day #63: Ass-tastic Example #2: Kim Kardasian.

This chick has an ass that you could feast on. Here is a picture of Kim with as little clothing on as you can have on and still be a Nike model. She experienced the unfortunate consequences of having a sex tape "leaked" to the public. She did things with a trouser snake that makes Paris Hilton's sex tape look like Vaness Hudgens' audition tape for Disney. Kim could probably get away with putting that posterior anywhere she pleased to do so. I would absolutely let her climb up onto my lap anytime she wants. Also, I would like to wear her ass a hat. 

Day #63: Ass-tastic Example #3: Beach Volleyball

I don't know if you've had the chance to see a game of professional women's beach volleyball, but it's like watching a skin flick. And. It's. Awesome. I also cannot explain why it is that Brazil has more fantastic ass having beach volleyball players but they do. I love beach volleyball. I love Brazilian beach volleyball players. I love the "ready position" that beach volleyball players stand in. It's like they are framing their asses just for me. (no, uncle pedo, they don't televise children's bames) Nevertheless, beach volleyball = fantastic bitable asses.

That's going to wrap up this foray into the land of the crack, butt crack (LOL, I crack [did it again] myself up). I assure you, I have a shit ton more pictures of wonderful asses. 

Do I know what rhetorical means?

Anyway, tits. (This is where I would usually insert a gratuitous tit shot. However, since this is the ass-tastic post, here is a great picture of a girl's ass in leather pants.)

Danny Hammer signing out.

Rule 34: It's Omniscient

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Sexual Euphemism Edition!

Day 60. Ugh. Recently, I had the misfortune of being forced to roam the inside of a child storage facility. What you might call a school, I affectionately refer to as "that awful place with the disgusting midgets." Children used to be much cooler. Before the child labor laws, you could send a small child into a tight machine's compartment to fetch an adult worker's severed finger any time you wanted. You could have several small children on staff to do anything from get you coffee, to place a bet with your bookie, or even scratch the itch on your back without you having to stand with your arm against the doorjam like some kind of circus freak. I love kids. My favorite people have kids. They're great for running to the ol' icebox to replenish my beer supply when I'm floating peacefully around the pool. I love child servants. Plus, they have no idea what they should be paid for their time. Children are like 3rd world labor that you payoff with lollipops and Jolly Ranchers. Awesome.

This "work of art" is a picture I found on the wall of the dwarf storage facility. If you look close you'll see that the description there says "This is Manny the Hippo Dragon. He was the first in a line of many when a college student saw a hippo and a dragon 'socializing' by a river." The image of a either a hippo climbing on top of a dragon, or more likely vice versa, is fantastic. Do you think the dragon gave the hippo a good old fashioned Grunting Porkchop? A Jane Hathaway? A Roger Hampton? I need to know.  Here, the term socializing is likely not the first euphemism this child has used, and used well, but this is the only intentional use of humor I found on any wall in that dungeon. And it was a sex joke! I like this kid. I would happily put this kid in the tiger cage  I keep the other 8 Korean teenagers I have writing jokes for me. Now all I need is Rip Torn to throw a skateboard at my friend's compound fracture. (Cross your fingers and hope I get a job-by) So, this post will be all about sexual euphemisms!

Look, it's giblet pie!

Day #60: Sexual Euphemism #1: A List of Vague Sexual References. All of these are silly names for the most beautiful thing you can do with a penis and a vagina without using peanut butter or putting on a ball gag, Fucking. Here's my favorites: Burying One's Wick, Daubing the Brush, The Dirty Work at the Crossroads, Sliding up the Board, Fixing the Plumbing, The Four-Legged Frolic, Getting Jack in the Orchard, Having the Giblet Pie, Making Feet for Children's Shoes, Mingling Limbs, Throwing a Shot, Whispering in the Canoe, Growling at the Badger, Doing the Bad Thing on the Good Foot, and Burping the Worm in the Mole Hole. Just a few of my favorites. Tee hee. 

Day #60: Sexual Euphemism #2: 2 Rap Euphemisms Explained! First, we'll start with "Superman that ho!" This euphemism was made famous by Souljaboy in the song Crank That. This is one that you'll find over on Urban Dictionary. "Supermanning that ho" entails banging a chick out and skeeting all over her back then immediately wrapping her with the sheets so that when she gets up she will have a cape man-glued to her back. I really like the idea of wrapping a girl up in sheets because it gives her the idea you really care about her and want her to be safe while allowing you to play out a little bit of your serial killer fantasy. What, you don't have a serial killer fantasy? You're a fucking liar. (I know you do, uncle pedo. I've told you before that's not why I think you're a savage.) Second, "Milkshake." If metaphor, simile, and allegory mean anything, milkshake means blowjob. And I strongly believe that imagery is all we really have, for the children (see the opening paragraph). In the song, the line goes, "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they're like, it's better than yours." Translation: My marathon dicksucking extravaganza with all the men who showed up in the yard once I started chugging cock improves their opinion of me while simultaneously diminishing their opinion of yours, you unnamed, anonymous woman competitor." Kelis has come out and said that she meant "Milkshake" as a metaphor for anything that makes a girl stand out, likely boobs (get it, milk jugs = milkshake). I prefer to think that a sexy, female R & B/hip hop artist bangs as many guys as she wants, sucks as many cocks as she wants, or licks as many tacos as she sees fit. It's the feminist in me (or rather the feminist I would like to be inside of). 

You know what? I'm done for today. You get those two items, that are actually several. If you don't like it you can walk your mouth to the end of lick my ass boulevard, take your pants off, flog the first molly dolphin you see, tickle my taint and swallow hard at the turn. Otherwise, I welcome any comments you may have regarding today's post.

And tits.


I love titstickers.

Danny Hammer signing out.