Sexual Euphemism Edition!

Day 60. Ugh. Recently, I had the misfortune of being forced to roam the inside of a child storage facility. What you might call a school, I affectionately refer to as "that awful place with the disgusting midgets." Children used to be much cooler. Before the child labor laws, you could send a small child into a tight machine's compartment to fetch an adult worker's severed finger any time you wanted. You could have several small children on staff to do anything from get you coffee, to place a bet with your bookie, or even scratch the itch on your back without you having to stand with your arm against the doorjam like some kind of circus freak. I love kids. My favorite people have kids. They're great for running to the ol' icebox to replenish my beer supply when I'm floating peacefully around the pool. I love child servants. Plus, they have no idea what they should be paid for their time. Children are like 3rd world labor that you payoff with lollipops and Jolly Ranchers. Awesome.

This "work of art" is a picture I found on the wall of the dwarf storage facility. If you look close you'll see that the description there says "This is Manny the Hippo Dragon. He was the first in a line of many when a college student saw a hippo and a dragon 'socializing' by a river." The image of a either a hippo climbing on top of a dragon, or more likely vice versa, is fantastic. Do you think the dragon gave the hippo a good old fashioned Grunting Porkchop? A Jane Hathaway? A Roger Hampton? I need to know.  Here, the term socializing is likely not the first euphemism this child has used, and used well, but this is the only intentional use of humor I found on any wall in that dungeon. And it was a sex joke! I like this kid. I would happily put this kid in the tiger cage  I keep the other 8 Korean teenagers I have writing jokes for me. Now all I need is Rip Torn to throw a skateboard at my friend's compound fracture. (Cross your fingers and hope I get a job-by) So, this post will be all about sexual euphemisms!

Look, it's giblet pie!

Day #60: Sexual Euphemism #1: A List of Vague Sexual References. All of these are silly names for the most beautiful thing you can do with a penis and a vagina without using peanut butter or putting on a ball gag, Fucking. Here's my favorites: Burying One's Wick, Daubing the Brush, The Dirty Work at the Crossroads, Sliding up the Board, Fixing the Plumbing, The Four-Legged Frolic, Getting Jack in the Orchard, Having the Giblet Pie, Making Feet for Children's Shoes, Mingling Limbs, Throwing a Shot, Whispering in the Canoe, Growling at the Badger, Doing the Bad Thing on the Good Foot, and Burping the Worm in the Mole Hole. Just a few of my favorites. Tee hee. 

Day #60: Sexual Euphemism #2: 2 Rap Euphemisms Explained! First, we'll start with "Superman that ho!" This euphemism was made famous by Souljaboy in the song Crank That. This is one that you'll find over on Urban Dictionary. "Supermanning that ho" entails banging a chick out and skeeting all over her back then immediately wrapping her with the sheets so that when she gets up she will have a cape man-glued to her back. I really like the idea of wrapping a girl up in sheets because it gives her the idea you really care about her and want her to be safe while allowing you to play out a little bit of your serial killer fantasy. What, you don't have a serial killer fantasy? You're a fucking liar. (I know you do, uncle pedo. I've told you before that's not why I think you're a savage.) Second, "Milkshake." If metaphor, simile, and allegory mean anything, milkshake means blowjob. And I strongly believe that imagery is all we really have, for the children (see the opening paragraph). In the song, the line goes, "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they're like, it's better than yours." Translation: My marathon dicksucking extravaganza with all the men who showed up in the yard once I started chugging cock improves their opinion of me while simultaneously diminishing their opinion of yours, you unnamed, anonymous woman competitor." Kelis has come out and said that she meant "Milkshake" as a metaphor for anything that makes a girl stand out, likely boobs (get it, milk jugs = milkshake). I prefer to think that a sexy, female R & B/hip hop artist bangs as many guys as she wants, sucks as many cocks as she wants, or licks as many tacos as she sees fit. It's the feminist in me (or rather the feminist I would like to be inside of). 

You know what? I'm done for today. You get those two items, that are actually several. If you don't like it you can walk your mouth to the end of lick my ass boulevard, take your pants off, flog the first molly dolphin you see, tickle my taint and swallow hard at the turn. Otherwise, I welcome any comments you may have regarding today's post.

And tits.


I love titstickers.

Danny Hammer signing out.