Camel Toe-riffic!

Well, that was a good break. And by break I mean fuck off.

This post is going to be about, wait for it, wait...Camel Toes. I took the liberty, with myself, to re-interpret my first post about vagina canyon and translate it into what I like to call: Jive. Here it is.

Obstacle 1, dig dis: Camel toes. Until recently ah' dought honky chicks who let deir cotton/lycra/satin/yoga pants whuteva' ride down into deir playscape only 'esisted in significant abunboogie on de interweb on po'n sites likes Mr. Ah be baaad... Chew's Asian Beaver, Mr. Ah be baaad... Camel Toe, and mah' favo'ite - ah' Spy Camel Toe, wid an occasional special appearance uh de vaginus dromidarius on sites likes Bre'd Raps and da damn Brazzers Netwo'k. Ya' know? Since about day 15, ah' have noticed mo'e clod tunnels in dudette pubic areas dan ah' eva' dought possible. Any oda' time in mah' life ah' would plum be pullin' out mah' iRap rod (de camera rap rod of choice fo' invadin' innocent goats' privacy while in public) and snappin' off some couple photos fo' later. Ah be baaad... Not dis time, dough. Lop some boogie. And dat be why I'm givin' Camel Toes mah' Poo Flin' uh de week. Ya' know? Fuck ya' Camel Toes, ah' hate dat ah' love ya'.

I still do hate dat ah' love 'em. But love them I do.

So let's talk clit squishing cloth valleys cut deep into the vag-tastic crotches of girls, in other words, Camel Toes. After the jump is a collection of some great examples. 

Danny Hammer signing out.

Fuck you, J.M Barrie

Google Search Term: JM Barrie Vagina (tee fucking hee)

I took a few days off from posting. All I can say is, if you got an email from me that was entirely composed of jibberish, then you got a personal message from my penis. He's an awful writer, but he loves the way the keyboard feels while he wacks himself against the keys. In other words, you got a C-mail. Lucky you.

This post is a celebration of all the shit I hate about Peter Pan. Fuck Peter Pan in his smooth, child-like ass until a crocodile flies out, yes, fuck him.

1. J.M. Barry never reached puberty. When J.M. Barrie, the author of Peter Pan's adventures in mongoloid town, was a child he was such a fucking annoying little douche fag that his mother hated him and really only loved his brother. Then, his brother died. His mom, faced with dealing with J.M.'s fucking whiny bullshit, became ill herself. On her deathbed, she told him her only remaining asshole of a son, that at least she never had to see him grow up, at least he would always be her little boy. So this twat stops developing. His balls never dropped, he never grew hair in the pubic area, and he certainly never banged Kate Winslett (shut up, uncle pedo. You know I don't have pictures). Fuck this over-emotional, cock retarded fag.

2. Peter Pan was a fag. Yup. Gay. Flitting around, hanging out with fairies who sprinkle sparkles all over him while he bemoans the loss of his shadow, gay, gay, gay. This whole thing reads like a metaphor for went to club, got smoked on PCP, lost his African man whore when a shinier cock presented itself in the men's toilet. Boo fucking hoo, fag.




3. Tinkerbell was the hottest girl in Neverland and she was the same size as a tiny cock. Tink is always depicted as a hot piece of ass with wings. Great. What the fuck good is she if the best she could offer is a good hug for my cock. Plus, your mom.Also, sideboob is fantastic..

I promise at least 7 more reasons to hate J.M. Barrie coming soon.

In the mean time, here is a great picture of (guess what) tits.






Danny Hammer signing off.

Monday Un-obstacles

It's day 65 and fuck shit ass cunt. 

You believe this nutjob got a book deal?

Anyway, it was a wonderful weekend of banging my cock in the toilet seat and riding my bicycle, at separate times of course (you silly fucks). A friend of mine told me years ago that Henry Rollins talked about slamming his cock in a toilet seat on one of his spoken word albums. The story went something like he was in a hotel room and he had a bunch of free time so he decided to try doing this thing his friend told him that he was into, cock slamming in the toilet seat. Rollins went on to say that as he was cock slamming, it never felt good but there was a moment when it stopped feeling bad. I figure I won't get to the point where not ejaculating ever feels good but it might not suck so much, you know? Like I'll transcend the need for orgasm completely. Like I'll see the face of god in a dream. Then I started slamming my cock in the toilet seat and I realized that celibacy is the dumbest fucking thing anyone could ever do. This us easily the stupidest personal experiment I've ever conducted, and I've done some stupid experiments on myself. So, as I was cock slamming, I never reached the point that Henry Rollins got to. I don't know how long hew was slamming his cock in the toilet seat but I did it for about an hour. All I got was a sore dick and my downstairs neighbor complained about the noise. Fuck Henry Rollins. Fuck cock slamming. Fuck toilet seats. And most of all, fuck celibacy.

I haven't done an unobstacle post in quite some time so I figured since uncle pedo won't shut the fuck up about all the asses in the last post, I'd do a post that would keep his fucking mouth shut.

A curse on both your nipples.

She has been blessed.

Monday Un-obstacle #1: Chicks with Shrinking Boobs. 

I think if you've read this blog at all in the past you'd have to be at least mildly retarded to not pick up on the fact that its author, Mr. Hammer, loves himself a good pair of snuggle pups that are big enough to make me hurt my back lifting them. It should be absolutely no surprise that when a girl's sweater kittens start to shrink, I have no use for her. If I wanted to spend time with cast away from the boob squad who has to switch teams and take notes at the meetings of the Itty-Bitty-Titty-Committee I would have continued dating high school girls (stop agreeing with me uncle pedo, I said girls). Anyway you look at it, shrinking tits are awful, especially since a girl's self-worth should be directly in proportion to her bra size, and I don't mean the numbers. Plus, and I don't know if they're still teaching this in the schools but little tits are a sign of witchcraft, not that the tiny tit owner is a witch but rather that she is cursed in so many ways. Generally, I recommend to my friends with chesticle impairment that they adopt a morally casual attitude about blowing guys to make up for their obvious biological handicap. Shrinking tits, however, are straight up the work of the devil and deserve a good shunning, or a nicely executed Grunting Porkchop. 

Monday Un-obstacle #2: Animals with Erections.

Trust me, there's an erection in there.

I apologize, Penis Whale and Erection Bat, but looking at turgid animal cocks makes my penis pull its turtle shell over its head. I hate looking at animals with erections. After the jump is a collection of animal pictures that I fucking hate. If there's anything that would stop me from blowing a big, rubbery, penis loogie all over the spankerchief I keep next to my desk, it's pictures of animal erections. One time, at a buddy's bachelor party I had a chance to bang the stripper. Over in the corner the best man had started a farm animal fuck film, you know beastiality. While I was working on convincing Bambi or Candy or Destiny or whatever the fuck she was calling herself into blowing me I caught a glimpse of a moderately attractive female farmhand taking it in the shitter from a stallion (and by stallion I mean horse). My erection disappeared quicker than Gary Busey at a random drug test. And I love strippers. Enjoy the gallery of erection killers.

FTW. Here's beautiful picture of the Snorg Tees model, Ashley Pridgen. She has great tits, and now she has some sweet stripper tats to go with them. 

Danny Hammer signing out.

A Real Class Act or a Real Ass Hat, One of Those...

Day 63. <penis coughs>

It has been brought to my attention that this blog is top heavy. And by top heavy I mean boob-tastic. Tits are amazing. I love everything about them. I love tiny little perky super sensitive nipples. I love big, silver dollar pancake nipples. I like little perky breasts. I like big swinging milk jugs. I like it when they're is too much to hold in one hand. I like when you can hide small woodland creatures under them without the slightest hint to an onlooker. I like when the cans are big enough to wear as a hat. I like for them to be big enough so that if it rains I can stand comfortably under them and not get wet (from the rain). I like them big enough to clog a toilet. I guess I really love big fucking chesticles. So it shouldn't be surprising that there's tits'a'plenty in this blog.

Big enough to do this is nice.

The reason I bring this up is to say that I love a beautiful ass, too. It may (or may not) surprise you that this post will be ASS-tastic!

Day #63: Ass-tastic Example #1: Catherine Zeta Jones in the movie Etrapment. 

As soon as this beautiful, Welsh piece of ass appeared on screen in that douche chill inducing movie, The Crotch of Zorro (or whatever the fuck it was), I knew this chick was going to be one to watch (mostly to keep track of when she started doing nudity on screen). As soon as I saw her, I was in love (penis-wise). I was certain that she would have a fantastic career of flashing her tits and jiggling her wonderful turd cutter all around the movie screen. Then, she married Michael Douglas. I cannot even force myself to think about her naked anymore without a mental image of that fucking ancient reptilian, loose-skinned, elderly man draping his scaly, wrinkled, old skin on her as he reciprocates his penis in and out of her beautiful, tight vagina. It's a scene from the tv show "V," accept the lizard isn't a hot alien, but rather is a disgusting old formerly relevant actor. Eeeeww.

Day #63: Ass-tastic Example #2: Kim Kardasian.

This chick has an ass that you could feast on. Here is a picture of Kim with as little clothing on as you can have on and still be a Nike model. She experienced the unfortunate consequences of having a sex tape "leaked" to the public. She did things with a trouser snake that makes Paris Hilton's sex tape look like Vaness Hudgens' audition tape for Disney. Kim could probably get away with putting that posterior anywhere she pleased to do so. I would absolutely let her climb up onto my lap anytime she wants. Also, I would like to wear her ass a hat. 

Day #63: Ass-tastic Example #3: Beach Volleyball

I don't know if you've had the chance to see a game of professional women's beach volleyball, but it's like watching a skin flick. And. It's. Awesome. I also cannot explain why it is that Brazil has more fantastic ass having beach volleyball players but they do. I love beach volleyball. I love Brazilian beach volleyball players. I love the "ready position" that beach volleyball players stand in. It's like they are framing their asses just for me. (no, uncle pedo, they don't televise children's bames) Nevertheless, beach volleyball = fantastic bitable asses.

That's going to wrap up this foray into the land of the crack, butt crack (LOL, I crack [did it again] myself up). I assure you, I have a shit ton more pictures of wonderful asses. 

Do I know what rhetorical means?

Anyway, tits. (This is where I would usually insert a gratuitous tit shot. However, since this is the ass-tastic post, here is a great picture of a girl's ass in leather pants.)

Danny Hammer signing out.

Rule 34: It's Omniscient

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Sexual Euphemism Edition!

Day 60. Ugh. Recently, I had the misfortune of being forced to roam the inside of a child storage facility. What you might call a school, I affectionately refer to as "that awful place with the disgusting midgets." Children used to be much cooler. Before the child labor laws, you could send a small child into a tight machine's compartment to fetch an adult worker's severed finger any time you wanted. You could have several small children on staff to do anything from get you coffee, to place a bet with your bookie, or even scratch the itch on your back without you having to stand with your arm against the doorjam like some kind of circus freak. I love kids. My favorite people have kids. They're great for running to the ol' icebox to replenish my beer supply when I'm floating peacefully around the pool. I love child servants. Plus, they have no idea what they should be paid for their time. Children are like 3rd world labor that you payoff with lollipops and Jolly Ranchers. Awesome.

This "work of art" is a picture I found on the wall of the dwarf storage facility. If you look close you'll see that the description there says "This is Manny the Hippo Dragon. He was the first in a line of many when a college student saw a hippo and a dragon 'socializing' by a river." The image of a either a hippo climbing on top of a dragon, or more likely vice versa, is fantastic. Do you think the dragon gave the hippo a good old fashioned Grunting Porkchop? A Jane Hathaway? A Roger Hampton? I need to know.  Here, the term socializing is likely not the first euphemism this child has used, and used well, but this is the only intentional use of humor I found on any wall in that dungeon. And it was a sex joke! I like this kid. I would happily put this kid in the tiger cage  I keep the other 8 Korean teenagers I have writing jokes for me. Now all I need is Rip Torn to throw a skateboard at my friend's compound fracture. (Cross your fingers and hope I get a job-by) So, this post will be all about sexual euphemisms!

Look, it's giblet pie!

Day #60: Sexual Euphemism #1: A List of Vague Sexual References. All of these are silly names for the most beautiful thing you can do with a penis and a vagina without using peanut butter or putting on a ball gag, Fucking. Here's my favorites: Burying One's Wick, Daubing the Brush, The Dirty Work at the Crossroads, Sliding up the Board, Fixing the Plumbing, The Four-Legged Frolic, Getting Jack in the Orchard, Having the Giblet Pie, Making Feet for Children's Shoes, Mingling Limbs, Throwing a Shot, Whispering in the Canoe, Growling at the Badger, Doing the Bad Thing on the Good Foot, and Burping the Worm in the Mole Hole. Just a few of my favorites. Tee hee. 

Day #60: Sexual Euphemism #2: 2 Rap Euphemisms Explained! First, we'll start with "Superman that ho!" This euphemism was made famous by Souljaboy in the song Crank That. This is one that you'll find over on Urban Dictionary. "Supermanning that ho" entails banging a chick out and skeeting all over her back then immediately wrapping her with the sheets so that when she gets up she will have a cape man-glued to her back. I really like the idea of wrapping a girl up in sheets because it gives her the idea you really care about her and want her to be safe while allowing you to play out a little bit of your serial killer fantasy. What, you don't have a serial killer fantasy? You're a fucking liar. (I know you do, uncle pedo. I've told you before that's not why I think you're a savage.) Second, "Milkshake." If metaphor, simile, and allegory mean anything, milkshake means blowjob. And I strongly believe that imagery is all we really have, for the children (see the opening paragraph). In the song, the line goes, "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they're like, it's better than yours." Translation: My marathon dicksucking extravaganza with all the men who showed up in the yard once I started chugging cock improves their opinion of me while simultaneously diminishing their opinion of yours, you unnamed, anonymous woman competitor." Kelis has come out and said that she meant "Milkshake" as a metaphor for anything that makes a girl stand out, likely boobs (get it, milk jugs = milkshake). I prefer to think that a sexy, female R & B/hip hop artist bangs as many guys as she wants, sucks as many cocks as she wants, or licks as many tacos as she sees fit. It's the feminist in me (or rather the feminist I would like to be inside of). 

You know what? I'm done for today. You get those two items, that are actually several. If you don't like it you can walk your mouth to the end of lick my ass boulevard, take your pants off, flog the first molly dolphin you see, tickle my taint and swallow hard at the turn. Otherwise, I welcome any comments you may have regarding today's post.

And tits.


I love titstickers.

Danny Hammer signing out.

Adult Version of Dora the Explorer Edition

I just got to day 55, and boy are my arms tired. (Oh yeah, well, your mom.) I think my testicles have gone on vacation, either that or they have simply abandoned my scrotum to find a place where they will be properly appreciated, like the Castro District in San Fran (maybe San Francisco could be a sponsor?). Hi-O!
Today's post is going to be a celebration of a particular kind of fa'nart, that which depicts Dora the Explorer (DTE) as a sexy, morally casual Latina who needs a good banging. Before I get to that, though, I would like to discuss something with you.

Have you ever met a girl that you tried to date, but a year to make love she wanted you to wait (Nobody beats the Biz)...I mean, have you ever found yourself in a situation in which there is a free space that has no sign on it indicating anything, and when you put yourself in that seat on the bus, or table in the cafeteria, or computer in the lab, or parking space that has no snow in it after a storm, you get bitched at for not seeing the invisible sign indicating the ownership of that space? Have you ever found yourself trying not go 5 year old chimpanzee on the dumb fuck-tard who thinks he can shove you and not have his testicles ripped off and his face and left foot chewed into a fine paste that I would spit out, pick up with my hands, and draw war paint on my face with? No? Well, yeah, me neither.
So, without further ado:

Look at my ass, papi.

Day #55 Dora the Explorer as a sexy, morally casual Latina who needs a good banging #1: This picture. I'm not sure how old she is supposed to be but I'm going to say 22 years old, because look at that ass. I love what she's done with her hair at this point. The little backpack is cute and it pulls her shoulders back so that scoliosis won't be a problem. And neither will saggy boobies. This is what I want every Puerto Rican girl to look like whenever I find myself in a New York City strip club, right before she takes me to the champagne room and shows me how dangly her vagina lips are for a $35.00 tip.

Day #55 Dora the Explorer as a sexy, morally casual Latina who needs a good banging #2: This lovely image. As you can see, this one has Dora portraying something like a 19 year old hotty. I love the vag cramping daisy dukes and the bellybutton shot. Speaking of shooting the bellybutton, Boots looks like he's about to go all St. James on Dora's back. I mean, look at the drool running down his monkey chin. What the fuck? I gotta say, the 22 year old vintage in the previous picture has a much more bangin' body, but this Dora looks like she's just waiting for an anime tentacle monster to violate her in every way possible. So, toss up.

I will hurt your cock if you keep staring.

Day #55 Dora the Explorer as a sexy, morally casual Latina who needs a good banging #3: Another Fa'nart Cartoon. Here we have Dora at, let's say...about... 34 years old. Things have gone very badly for our girl DTE. If you look closely you'll see that Boots is haggard. DTE still has a body like a brick shit house, but she's been without a man for quite some time as she has turned to using Map as a marital aid, and by marital aid I mean dildo. Also, check out Backpack. DTE has been misusing prescription medication for her back (thrown out when she rocked the west end of two-headed dildo at that heroine party, you know, when she was bumping ass cheeks with Jenifer Connely) for so long that Backpack has started to look a little crazy. Or maybe he is crazy and your just an asshole (maybe she didn't feel you any similar interests).

 Day #55 Dora the Explorer as a sexy, morally casual Latina who needs a good banging #4: Real People Dressed as Dora. Girls who post their pictures (on the websites I frequent) of themselves dressed as DTE are all super hot. I could only find two pictures of girls dressed as DTE though, so let's say that all two of them are super hot. This first girl is some random piece of ass from the picture show at College Humor Dot Com. I don't know who she is or where she's from, but tits. I would love the opportunity to check if her nipples are made of chocolate or if they will change into chocolate if I suck on them long enough. This second picture is Jessica Alba. There was a shot of her ass in those orange shorts, but it wasn't clear that it was JAlba in the
shorts and I am committed to 100% honesty when it comes to showing you pictures of her ass. I feel like that is just the right way to comport myself with regard to this blog.

I have never understood the desire to dress up like a cartoon character and going out into the world for everyone to see just how much you think like a 17 year old raver on her way to jailbait the local street pharmaceutical provider into sticking his "D" in her "V." Jailbait looks great, all the time. I guess that's why it's called bait. If young girls who were dressed slutty didn't look amazing, western civilization would be a lot further along, at least in the non-sex-related endeavors. Bee tee dubs, here's a demotivator for jailbait:

Danny Hammer signing out, in your mouth, perv.

P.S. Corey Haim got fucked by the academy. And Charlie Sheen has tiger blood and Adonis DNA. Duh, ...winning.

Urban Dictionary Dot Com (sponsor?) Edition

...and by blog I mean wet pussy.

Day 53. Or so my twitter says. If you haven't had the chance to follow me yet, put down the airplane glue, take your cock out of your cousin's ass, and click on the fucking follow button on the @happymonkey100 page. There's a good chance I'll update that technological atrocity far more oftener than this damp vagina (and by damp vagina I mean moist twat [and by moist twat I mean blog]). 

Anyway, I have just received word that my writing is commensurate with that of the scribblings over at urbandictionary.com. And, therefore, furthermore, ergo, insofar, nevertheless, in celebration, today's post will be an extravaganza of my favorite sex acts labeled and described in the annals (not anal, uncle pedo, shut up) of pop culture that they have compiled.

Imagine that I'm naked, sliding across a urine covered floor!

Day #53 Urban Dictionary Dot Com Sex Act #1: The Hudson Mishap. Generally, I don't like straight ripping off other people's ideas and reposting them on here, but this thing is so well written that I just had to do it: A sexual maneuver that takes place in an area that is either tiled or covered in a linoleum or other laminate floor. The act begins with the man on his knees, holding the woman in front of him, supporting her weight with his arms, facing one another, penis inserted into her vagina. The man, who has a full bladder, pulls his penis out of the vagina and urinates on the floor behind her. He then re-inserts his penis into her vagina, lowers her back onto the fresh urine, and with one big thrust of his pelvis/penis he sends her gliding across the floor like a jet coming in for a water landing. The true HM includes the man throwing his arms and head back in celebration at the moment of uncoupling after the thrust. Damn it that is some great sex act description!

Flying Camel Merit Badge

Day #53 Urban Dictionary Dot Com Sex Act #2: The Flying Camel. Ok. Well. I don't like the writing in this one but it cracks me the fuck up: Every. Time. I. Read. It. Here it is: "As your gal is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees. You very carefully move forward and prop yourself (without using your arms) on your dick while it is still inserted in her vagina. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long shrieking howl much like a flying camel. Strictly a class move." I agree with the yocal who wrote this one (your gal?), strictly a class move. I feel like the shriek you let out must be extremely guttural, you know, like this sound a guy makes when punch him in the sternum with your foot after you throat punch him. You know the sound, right? Anyhow, I figure this one is called "the flying camel" because once you start flapping around you only get like two humps before your redneck cunt galfriend bucks you off like the scumbag you are (hilarious scumbag though).

Kitten on a screen door. Duh.

Day #53 Urban Dictionary Dot Com Sex Act #3: The Screen Door Kitten. This one is a potential UD.com sex act. I know I've mentioned it in earlier posts and I said that the description was for another post. Guess what, turd burglar, this is the post. The Screen Door Kitten specifically refers to the position a girl winds up in after you have been banging her from behind and suddenly miss the playground and shoot a meat stick into her sewer pipe. This causes the girl to extend her legs, firing her across the room like a dart, until she lands on your desk, directly in front of the window. To prevent herself from falling backward, she grabs the curtains and throws you a confused, pained, somewhat unamused fish-eye over her shoulder. At this point, she will bare a strong resemblance to a kitten thrown gingerly against a screen door. In my experience, this is a good time to ask for a blow job finish, then you can execute either an Angry Pirate or a Spiderman (that is totally another post). 

Well, that wraps up this triumphant post. If you liked it, awesome. If not, go chug a cock. Either way, follow me on twitter. 

Here's some boobs.

Danny Hammer signing out.