Navigating the Jungle

Well, it’s 19 days into the challenge and I’m beginning to see things that could easily become serious obstacles. There are, of course, the obvious threats to abstaining from flogging one’s dolphin: 1) Porn, 2) pictures of women in bikinis, 3) porn, 4) pleasant memories of intercourse past, 5) porn, 6) college girls who just cannot anticipate the capricious nature of Floridian winter weather, and 7) raw whole chickens at the wishbone end. Yes, I said chickens.

1) I have never been modest about the fact that I enjoy a good man on girl video, girl on girl video, two girls on a man, two men on a girl, three girls on eachother, three guys on one girl (Traci Lords, “I’m drunk on cock”), three girls on one guy, two girls on each other but only after a “wrestling match” the winner of which gets to strap on a rubber cock and violate the loser, night club gang bangs, girls having blowjob competitions, or just an artfully graphic single girl masturbating by herself while a film crew watches. As I describe this first, and most ubiquitous (that means it’s everywhere, Richard), obstacle, I am forced to walk away from the keyboard to do some pushups situps (pushups were a poor choice given certain turgid conditions) because I gave myself a stiffy by thinking about porn. I never would have thought that my best friend since purchasing my own personal computer would betray me so. Et tu pornae?

2) That brings me to the next of the obvious barriers to blue balls, pictures of women in bikinis. All I can say is thank goodness that winter in Florida (a mere 70 degrees in the midday sun) causes the girls down here to cover up and wear clothes that would be too warm for sweater weather in the Northeast. When you’re not trying to add ammo to your spank bank you would be surprised how often one is confronted with excessively sexual images. It’s not right. Well, under any other circumstances it would be just fine, let's be honest.

3) Back to porn: Costume party gang bangs, sex teacher videos, Hot G vibe videos (only the ones with Vandl Vyxen, oh Vandal Vyxen), workout sex videos, public sex, strange sex for money videos, anime porn, celebrity sex tapes…

4) Memories have always been problematic for me in general. I really cannot tell you the last time I was able to hold a really good memory in my head without letting it run until the good turned to bad. In the case of the No-Nut-Challenge, it’s sort of the opposite, well, not opposite, let me explain, Richard. So usually, I think of the sex with a girl from my past and then how I let them down, outside of the bedroom. In the last few days it’s been exactly the opposite. Take for example Lisa (the girl who was the impetus for creating “The Screendoor Kitten,” but that’s for another post). She was very supportive, and I for whatever reason was terrified of the relationship that was developing. Usually the guy in the control room in my head plays the film in this order: She was ready for sex, 69, doggy, Screendoor Kitten, big finish, which leads to all I had to say was yes. The bastard homunculus in the control room re-spliced the movie so that now it goes: Relationship fail, right to 69 and big finish; and he did the same thing for Hannah, Jenny, Leanne, Janine, Annie, and Laticia (I’m sure there were other girls I dissapointed, but I tend to limit my memories to the girls who gave me the best spunk draining).

5) And porn: Two girls one cup (leave me alone), My Sister’s Hot Friend, Bangbus, Dancing Bear, Super Chicken.com, Caligula, Zazzel: The Scent of Love, Cinemax’s Coed Confidential, MyFreeCams.com (I smell sponsor!), and the hottest poker player on the web, Ivy Snow (tattoos and a vagina she loves to show on camera, hang on, I need a situp break…

Ok, I’m good.)

6) I mean as far as girls in skimpy clothes go, the temperature differential from warm afternoon to surprisingly chilly night makes the college girls nipples pop like the timer on a store-bought Thanksgiving turkey. Nuff said.

7) Chickens are awesome. Who hasn’t thought about letting his trouser snake pop the wishbone out of a nice, warm broiler/roaster? Yeah, me neither.

Aside from more food references appearing in one post than I had ever intended, the above outline of the obvious obstacles to 2,400 hours of semen buildup has left the not so obvious ones for posts to come. Having had a pretty serious chicken choking addiction since I was 13, I have never really explored life without turning the happy crank in my pants for any longer than could be measured in hours (sometimes minutes), forget about days. I have had such a heightened experience of interacting with the fairer sex since day 5, that doing this whole days-between-skeeting thing might be worth doing on regular basis. Then again, how does that cliche go? Sex is like air, it’s only really important if you’re not getting any. Stupid saying. My qi is going to be PHENOMENAL. This is going to turn out to be totally worth it. ugh.

Preview of posts to come: How will I deal with wet dreams? What if a strange girl offers to blow me? Will my friends help me or try to fuck this grand experiment up (Christine)? Keep checking back to find out.

Danny Hammer signing off.