Day 22 and I'm feeling the burn. People around me have have begun to notice a change in my ability to tolerate things. I've been described as surly, crazy, irritable, floggish (I don't know this one), and bitchy. In response, all I really have to say is: Go play a game of hide'n'fuck yourself, all of you. Ok, I feel like that needed to be said.
So, the next section of this post is going to be devoted to specific obstacles to my victory (victory being a synonym for blue balls, look it up, I'll wait...hmm, hmm, hm-hm, hmmm...ok good, see what I mean?)
Obstacle 1: Camel toes. Until recently I thought women who let their cotton/lycra/satin/yoga pants whatever ride up into their playscape only existed in significant abundance on the interweb on porn sites like Mr. Chew's Asian Beaver, Mr. Camel Toe, and my favorite - I Spy Camel Toe, with an occasional special appearance of the vaginus dromidarius on sites like Money Talks and the Brazzers Network. Since about day 15, I have noticed more cloth tunnels in female pubic areas than I ever thought possible. Any other time in my life I would just be pulling out my iPhone (the camera phone of choice for invading innocent girls' privacy while in public) and snapping off a couple photos for later. Not this time, though. And that is why I'm giving Camel Toes my Poo Fling of the week. Fuck you Camel Toes, I hate that I love you.
Obstacle 2: Stories about Charlie Sheen. The guy has been in the "news" every day for like the last two months for having coke-fueled pornstar/hooker orgy beating binges. The mongoloids over at the network that thinks he's funny on that comedy abortion, Two and Half Men, had been just tolerating his rich guy-I'm a bad boy that bangs chicks if they look like they might have a coke
Obstacle 3: Lea Michelle. I used to just think she was really cute, and then she did that photo shoot for GQ magazine. Then I realized that she needs to be banged, banged hard, banged often, banged until flames shoot out her ass. She is the most dangerous of the obstacles listed here because of how ubiquitous her image is, and she'll be singing America the Beautiful at the Superbowl. Great. BTW I dare you not to look at her crotch.
Obstacle 4: Sushi. Ok, this one was totally my fault. I was out with a friend and 15 other people celebrating her birthday at a sushi joint. I was sitting next to this girl and we were getting ready to split some sushi. She picked a salmon roll. A fucking salmon roll. I wanted something a little more adventurous than that shit, so I drew an analogy (a talent of mine) between the sushi and sexual positions. "Salmon roll," I said, "is like missionary sex." "The Symphony Roll," (a combination of fucking every fish you can safely eat raw) I said, "was like reverse cowgirl." She said she didn't like that so much (80-days-in-the-future me will have to thank miserable-at-20-days me for collecting that information), so I urged her toward the raw quail egg. "This," I said, "is like surprise public sex. The mood strikes, you find a nice hidden spot, handle business pelvicly, and back to the party you go." She liked that. I, however, found it necessary to walk off the crotchal pleat problem I had developed. (Great Odin's raven) Who would ever have thought raw fish would be such a turn on. Asians probably. Yeah, Asians. Weird.
Well, that about wraps it up for today. 22 and counting. I really should figure out when 100 days will be so I can properly lock myself in a room and crank the happy lever until I get callouses. Keep an eye out for more obstacles. There are several more that I have already identified, but you fags don't get to have all of them right now, so chill the fuck out.
Danny Hammer signing off.
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