Urban Dictionary Dot Com (sponsor?) Edition

...and by blog I mean wet pussy.

Day 53. Or so my twitter says. If you haven't had the chance to follow me yet, put down the airplane glue, take your cock out of your cousin's ass, and click on the fucking follow button on the @happymonkey100 page. There's a good chance I'll update that technological atrocity far more oftener than this damp vagina (and by damp vagina I mean moist twat [and by moist twat I mean blog]). 

Anyway, I have just received word that my writing is commensurate with that of the scribblings over at urbandictionary.com. And, therefore, furthermore, ergo, insofar, nevertheless, in celebration, today's post will be an extravaganza of my favorite sex acts labeled and described in the annals (not anal, uncle pedo, shut up) of pop culture that they have compiled.

Imagine that I'm naked, sliding across a urine covered floor!

Day #53 Urban Dictionary Dot Com Sex Act #1: The Hudson Mishap. Generally, I don't like straight ripping off other people's ideas and reposting them on here, but this thing is so well written that I just had to do it: A sexual maneuver that takes place in an area that is either tiled or covered in a linoleum or other laminate floor. The act begins with the man on his knees, holding the woman in front of him, supporting her weight with his arms, facing one another, penis inserted into her vagina. The man, who has a full bladder, pulls his penis out of the vagina and urinates on the floor behind her. He then re-inserts his penis into her vagina, lowers her back onto the fresh urine, and with one big thrust of his pelvis/penis he sends her gliding across the floor like a jet coming in for a water landing. The true HM includes the man throwing his arms and head back in celebration at the moment of uncoupling after the thrust. Damn it that is some great sex act description!

Flying Camel Merit Badge

Day #53 Urban Dictionary Dot Com Sex Act #2: The Flying Camel. Ok. Well. I don't like the writing in this one but it cracks me the fuck up: Every. Time. I. Read. It. Here it is: "As your gal is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees. You very carefully move forward and prop yourself (without using your arms) on your dick while it is still inserted in her vagina. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long shrieking howl much like a flying camel. Strictly a class move." I agree with the yocal who wrote this one (your gal?), strictly a class move. I feel like the shriek you let out must be extremely guttural, you know, like this sound a guy makes when punch him in the sternum with your foot after you throat punch him. You know the sound, right? Anyhow, I figure this one is called "the flying camel" because once you start flapping around you only get like two humps before your redneck cunt galfriend bucks you off like the scumbag you are (hilarious scumbag though).

Kitten on a screen door. Duh.

Day #53 Urban Dictionary Dot Com Sex Act #3: The Screen Door Kitten. This one is a potential UD.com sex act. I know I've mentioned it in earlier posts and I said that the description was for another post. Guess what, turd burglar, this is the post. The Screen Door Kitten specifically refers to the position a girl winds up in after you have been banging her from behind and suddenly miss the playground and shoot a meat stick into her sewer pipe. This causes the girl to extend her legs, firing her across the room like a dart, until she lands on your desk, directly in front of the window. To prevent herself from falling backward, she grabs the curtains and throws you a confused, pained, somewhat unamused fish-eye over her shoulder. At this point, she will bare a strong resemblance to a kitten thrown gingerly against a screen door. In my experience, this is a good time to ask for a blow job finish, then you can execute either an Angry Pirate or a Spiderman (that is totally another post). 

Well, that wraps up this triumphant post. If you liked it, awesome. If not, go chug a cock. Either way, follow me on twitter. 

Here's some boobs.

Danny Hammer signing out.