Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, over. (Day 24)

Ok, first of all, last night was scary. In addition to forgetting to pay my electric bill (resulting in a brown out, fuckers) dreams are starting to get a little freaky. Not Rick James freaky, just plain freaky. Last night's adventure involved me and a friend talking about how much he was like his dad as we walked through a garden. Freaky, right? No, ok, the guy's dad was Satan and the garden was made of souls. At one point we walked right up to a woman's body, with her head and shoulders buried under the dirt and her arms sticking up, chained to posts (I know exactly where this came from, and I don't feel right about it at all), her pelvis undulating, nude. I said something like, "I used to do that to her all the time." I never did that to a girl. There were several girls I have met in my life whose personality could have benefited from more naked, undulating vagina and less looking at me, but I never did anything about them.

Next on the WTF post, let's talk about odd Google images. I typed "abstinence" into the search bar (preoccupied, no, why do you ask?) and in the top row on the first page I got this picture of what looks to be a hispanic teenage girl, lying facedown with circles hovering over her mouth, anus, and vagina. Good, good, bad? Where are the circles around her hands? Between her tits? Behind her knee (what?)? This abstinence-only movement is seriously underrated. I had no idea that the Christian right advocated girls giving up the sex in a very uncomfortable place (the backseat of a Volkswagen?). I'm gonna start calling them the Christian Tight, because of how tight I'll be with them, friendwise (what did you think I meant, fish-loving Asian).

That brings me to this picture. I typed "angry monkey" into the search bar this time and I got this, cleavage-tastic picture of two Brazilian(?) women. I don't know what they're smiling about, but I love the one with earring's idea of "wearing a top." I'm gonna give her the monkey boner of the week for her use of the least supportive brazier since Tara Reid's awful plastic surgery. And while we're on the topic of "monkey boner," this is what I got when I went looking for an appropriate picture for the most well deserved award ever. That is, until I saw Google's definition of a monkey boner. I really don't feel like I'm in a position to disagree. After all, if you disagree with Skynet too many times the nuclear holocaust will be precipitated. No one wants that, no one except the machines. If Judgment day (the Terminator version, not the Kirk Cameron version) were to really happen, I would not want to have to explain to the entire human race that I caused their end because I disagreed with Google over whether the fine piece of ass in the red dental floss bikini was actually a monkey boner or a gift from the gods (yeah baby, pantheism, coming soon to mall near you).

Well, I think that's gonna be it for the Hammer today. I will leave you with one of my two favorite monkey pictures of all time. There's nothing like a good bubble blowing session to set me at ease. Enjoy. Have a good one. Rub one out for me, but definitely do not think about me while you do it, unless you look like a monkey boner. Then think about me all you want.

 

Danny Hammer signing off.