I've been holding my semen in my balls for a grand total of 40 days. As we celebrate this milestone, known as Lenting off, I'm forced to reflect on the fact that had I not lost my will to change the channel from Cinemax After Hours that fateful night 41 days ago, I would be halfway to my ultimate goal of 100 days. 40 days is pretty good, you cock fag. How long could you last, huh, asshole? Nevermind, this isn't about you anymore. It's entirely about me.
A few posts ago I mentioned that I might be facing a "test of my resolve." I didn't really explain what that meant, except to paraphrase the gayest straight movie of all time, Top Gun, by saying that a girl may have just been writing checks with her mouth that her vagina could not cash (that's for you Gracie). Well, her vagina bounced. Turns out my resolve is so strong it scares willing sex partners from miles away. That's either a fortuitous coincidence (serendipity) or a tragic state of affairs. I guess it depends on how you look at it. In honor of the deal that this pussy with a vagina made and then broke I thought I'd list a few of the biggest deals that never actually happened.
Day #40 Deal that Never Happened #1: Lance Bass, Cosmonaut. In 2001, Lance Bass of the megahit queer funfest boy band, NSYNC, began negotiating with the Russian space agency so that he could buy himself a ticket into space on one of their vodka powered space needles. They told that singing fairy that they wanted $20,000,000 (that's 20 million, uncle pedo) to shoot him out of our atmosphere on a Soyuz rocket. In September of 2002, it became clear that he couldn't come up with the money and so failed to become the youngest person ever in space, third tourist in space, and first man-who-has-to-wipe-splooge-off-his-chin in space. I can think of one space he will be getting shot in, his ass. Get it. Gay. Fuck off.
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| Typical Patriots fans |
Day #40 Deal that Never Happened #2: New England Patriots Sign Deal to move to Hartford, CT. Also in 2001, the only team in the NFL to have an offensive lineman as their mascot, and it was the center (you know, the guy who for most of the game has another man's hands up his crotch/ass/rubbing his balls gently), decided that they needed to move from Foxboro, MA to a city that has only had one other professional sports franchise, the Hartford Whalers. For a detailed history of the Hartford Whalers take a shit on the floor of your kitchen, push it around a little bit, and there you go. It turned out the Pats only wanted to use Connecticut to make Massachusetts jealous so they would buy them a new stadium. This is the sports franchise version of banging a chick less hot than your girlfriend so she'll finally give up the anus, for your cock, instead of going straight for the Screendoor Kitten, again.
Day #40 Deal that Never Happened #3: Saddam Housein will Totally Let the Weapons Inspectors in. In February of 1991, the Iraqi army invaded a small, oil-rich strip of land that had once been part of their territory. In the middle of the 20th century England gave Cuwait its independence from Iraq so naturally, Iraq was the evil, land stealing villain. The United States along with like fucking 200 other countries (did you know Australia has a real army? Yeah, neither do they.) invaded Iraq, saved Cuwait, and imposed harsh sanctions with the help of the puppets United Nations. One condition of the easing of sanctions, meaning we would agree not to bomb the shit out of them, was that UN weapons inspectors were to have free, unfettered access to all of Iraq. Saddam Husein was all, "bullshit." And the UN was like, "Fuck you." So, in March of 2003, after the Taliban from Afghanistan attacked the United States, we declared war on Iraq. (That doesn't even make semse if your high as a fucking kite) Saddam never held up his end of the deal so we tracked him down in a hole in the ground, put him "on trial" and hanged him, and made his head pop off (gross). I remember I was at a college football game, some fucking bowl game that was sponsored by a company that doesn't exist anymore, when the guy behind me received the news on his Blackberry (sponsor?) that Saddam Husein's sentence had been carried out. "Saddam's dead! Yeah!" I don't know how an old Iraqi dictator dying enhanced that shit bird's life but I can say for certain that since Saddam died I have lost those unwanted pounds, my cock grew 3 more inches, I won the lottery, and I have begun having to turn down blowjobs from models like crazy. (No, no, no, not sarcasm. Verbal irony)
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| I fucking love this picture. Love it. |
This has been a really serious post, for the most part, so now have some images of a big-titted beauty almost showing you her milk dispensers. You should recognize the nun as the nun with big jugs from the post about how I'd still be an enthusiastic Catholic if my church had a couple hot pieces of ass in penguin suits running around. She is a German model named Annemarie who just cannot seem to keep her fantastic chesticles covered. Her tits are so wonderful that Monkey Boner and Snorg Tits are both extremely angry with me for posting more of her pictures. Not really. But in my mind they are wrestling with eachother over who gets to tell me how unhappy they are with me. <sit up break>
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| Looking at her hurts my cock. |
That's it. I guess not banging that chick is good for the project. 40 days is a long, long time. Ugh.
Here's one last image I found when I typed "serendipity cunt" (don't ask) into the Googles. It's a two frame tutorial on a particular kind of self defense. Hilarious. Like Nick Canon.
Danny Hammer signing off.
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