Women are the Devil

In this life, there are certain things that you can count on. One of those is that when you drink too much vodka, gin, wine and beer in the same night, you are not going to have the energy of a 20 year old the next day once the speed cocaine coffee wears off. Another of these life truisms is that women are complicated beyond comprehension. I don't care who you ask, man, manly lesbian, or really intelligent horse, everyone has a story about how difficult it is to comprehend chicks. Nevertheless, if I were going to fail in my goal to not intentionally shoot my load, it would totally be because some broad decided she wants to drain my mule. Regardless, women are, indeed, the devil. Today's post, therefore, will be a collection of stories about women ruining everything.

Day #44 Story About a Woman Ruining Everything #1: Adam and Eve get kicked out of paradise. On the surface this story always seemed a little simple. God says' "Here is everything you will ever need. Just don't touch the fruit off that tree over there." Since God had constructed humans without curiosity, he figured there would be no problems. But then you start thinking about God knows everything and God is all the time and it gets a little wacky. You honestly mean to tell me that He couldn't see the snake talking the nude hottie into putting the forbidden fruit in her mouth? And where was that retard Adam? Off naming things? The story becomes commentary on two different but related issues: 1) Slithery assholes will try to talk your girl into putting things in her mouth whenever you aren't around, and 2) If you want to be happy, you can't try to know too much. For this lapse of judgement, humanity was cast out of paradise and the Israelites wound up building the pyramids. Christianity and many, many wars ensued. All thanks to that twat, Eve. That's why a douche is named after her.

Day #44 Story About a Woman Ruining Everything #2:Samson and Delilah. Samson was a rock star. Delilah, his main fan. Although all she really wanted to do was bang him, cut his hair and leave him. She banged him, and then while was sleeping, like some kind of College Humor drunk passed out gag, she totally chopped his hair off. This was important for two reasons, he was the first Jew in history to have really nice hair and he was super strong and the hair was the source of his power. Weird? You bet. If all it took to get really strong was to not cut your hair, the Greeks should all be playing catch with minivans, they are a fucking hairy people. After the groupie cut Samson's hair, he was captured by who the fuck cares and chained to a building that was designed more poorly than this Donald Duck mechanical ride-on toy (No, uncle pedo, I don't have one with a boy on it). Eventually, Samson regained his strength and pulled the columns out from their precarious position, just barley holding up the building, crushing himself and proving that women are in fact the devil.

Day #44 Story About a Woman Ruining Everything #3: Elin Woods can't just leave shit alone. Who hasn't wanted to swing a golf club at Tiger Woods' head when he came home stinking of champagne room sex and sparkling slightly? His ex-wife, Elin, certainly has. In what has become the single worst image blunder of a legendary athlete, EVER, Tiger Woods has come to be synonymous (it look it up Jimmy) with banging out a shit ton of hot skanks. Here is a short list of the girls who either came forward or who were outed by someone else (haters): Rachel Uchitel, Jamie Grubs, Kalika Moquin, Jamie Jungers, Mindy Lawton, Cori Rist, Holly Sampson, Joslyn James, and the list continues. For a longer list with pictures go here. After ruining Tiger's image, Elin has had a ridiculous effect on his golf game and athletes banging strange across the country. Nobody wants to be the next golf-club-in-the-face husband who has to give up his career to go to sex addiction counseling. Thanks Elin. Thanks a lot. On a different topic, I would love to see her tits, vagina and ass. Just saying.

So, there's my case for women being the devil. It's a flimsy case, I know. I didn't even mention crazy girls who threaten to kill me in my sleep. I've actually gotten that one from girlfriend who followed it up immediately with "I would do anything for you, that's how much I love you." I got into some serious trouble that night for not saying "I'd do anything for you too," yup. In these moments I would like to direct your attention to the Crazy/Hot Curve. Some people like to think that the proportion of crazy to hotness creates a straight line, effectively bisecting the quadrant. Those people are assholes. Crazy-hotness creates a curve that looks like this. This graph was created by Kevin over at Yellow Magic. He provides an in-depth explanation. I won't. Let's just say, my bat shit crazy ex-girlfriend dropped below the curve, into the undateable area that night. Her hotness, and willingness to have sex anywhere, did not support her craziness. She can go fuck herself. And if you get a chance to watch her fuck herself, it really is worth seeing once.

That's all I got this time. I haven't splooged in 44 days, women are crazy, and the show, "How I Met Your Mother" sucks moose cock.

Danny Hammer signing off.